ME, TOO

I RESISTED DOING THIS.

And I’ll be as brief as possible: starting at the age of 2, I was sexually assaulted (because I really fucking hate calling the assault of children “molestation” as if it were some special category of violence against the helpless that isn’t as bad as assaulting an adult) by a primary relative and beaten if I objected. This went on until I was about 10. There was other stuff, as well. That all went on … until they all died, really.

Why am I telling you this?

So you’ll understand this part: When this happens in childhood, it changes the way your brain develops. This leads to incurable PTSD and other treatment-resistant issues. “Incurable” means just that.

I was also sexually assaulted several times as an adult. This is common amongst survivors.

I decided to do this because I read a comment from someone who said they could hardly believe the problem was so common and someone else responded it was “just Hollywood.”

At this point, addi has triggered herself.

NO YOU FUCKING IGNORANT MENTAL GODDAMNED MIDGET IT ISN’T JUST HOLLYWOOD.

So. There’s that.

I am an old ex-hippie chick. I have, so far, survived, to the surprise of a few therapists. And myself.

You might not be old. I want to tell you some things I learned. Never let anyone make you feel bad because you don’t “get over” it. And don’t ever give up because you realize you aren’t ever going to be “normal” – whatever the fuck that is.

It’s kind of like being diabetic. Unmanaged, it kills people. Survivors are, more or less, disabled. We need to learn, IMO, to manage our lives. To recognize where the deficits are, what we need to survive and negotiate the world.

We also need to not blame the world for triggering us. We need to choose friends and lovers who accept us as we are and won’t pressure us to “fix” ourselves.

There’s nothing wrong with me. And there’s nothing wrong with you. Or the diabetic. Or the stutterer. Do we actually know where all the “unwrong” people are?

Know what else? There never was anything wrong with you. This didn’t happen to you because you were bad in some way or deserving of it or any other thing. These assholes are like drunk drivers running over pedestrians. You were just there.

We were just there. We existed. That’s it – that’s why we had this happen to us.

So. The other things is, we don’t get to feel sorry for ourselves for the rest of our lives. Yeah – I know it sucks. I know. About night terrors and years of crippling depression and agonizing self-hatred and impotent rage that eats you from within and hurting people you don’t mean to hurt and getting hurt again and again when someone else would know how to stop it.

I know. But I also know so many people suffering in unimaginable ways that have so much less than I have. Yes, we will have awful shit we can’t control. But we have to fight for the humanity they tried to destroy in us. So, when we can, we need to find perspective.

The way I see it, our job is the same as everyone else’s: Hang on until the end. Do the best you can. Be kinder than you feel. Dispose of your trash properly.

Love one another. Feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit the imprisoned and don’t judge. Understand this comes from a singularly judgemental person. But that’s just crap in my head. I try to ignore it.

That’s what I wanted to say to the others like me. Because there are millions of us. Millions. Everywhere.

We are the norm. People break each other. Let’s try to not do that very much.

2 thoughts on “ME, TOO”

  1. You're awesome, Addi. I can't thank you enough for your support & with that & having read (& re-read), this, I'm making some changes to my life. I've never had a counselor speak as clearly or with even half the sense, as you have to me. So I thank you, with all my heart, for the support & the motivation it's given me.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s